It does damage relationships over time!
Sometimes people take their frustrations out on those who happen to be the closest to them. This could be family, children, friends, and even a spouse. Although these projections aren’t always intentional, it does damage relationships over time. A person is not a container for pain. They are human too and do not deserve one’s emotional toxicity. People can be so blinded by anger that they don’t realize that they are unloading their stress onto someone who didn’t cause it. If these emotional attacks are done purposefully, then it is with the aim to put the other party down so that they can feel better about themselves.
The person on the receiving end of the anger can develop low self-esteem as a result of constant combativeness. There is absolutely no excuse for projecting one’s anger towards someone else. This is a display of a lack of control and trouble communicating effectively. Nothing is achieved after those loud outbursts except further distance and spitefulness between the two people. The aggressor may also be exhibiting some degree of self-esteem issues. Perhaps they don’t feel capable of confronting whoever or whatever the actual problem is. So, they go to someone they know is always there for them through thick and thin.
As human beings, we do not absorb the fatal blows of our spouse’s words. Most, if not all. of that negative chatter is stored in the subconscious compartments of the mind and echo constantly in our heads. If not careful, the mental chatter can build up and create further blockages in the relationship. Although an issue appears to be resolved, something may trigger some harsh words the individual once said to you. In this case, out of sight is not out of mind. Actions may even conflict the nasty words they uttered. However, a part of us will still question the validity of what they said to us. Words can truly hurt a person’s psyche which is why communication should occur when both individuals are emotionally mature and mentally prepared to exchange their points. It makes an issue much more solvable oppose to creating new problems in the relationship
Balance of Giving and Taking
We all have a voice and want to be heard. However, communication may seem pointless if the other person is solely based on their emotions. We all have feelings, but we must prioritize the rationale if we seek to maintain and honest connection. If something rubs you the wrong way, ask yourself why. Sometimes we feel disrespected because someone doesn’t agree with what we feel is right. However, that is our feeling and they have their own feelings that they are entitled to. Approach relationship matters objectively so that each person’s efforts are weighed on a just scale. Both parties should be equally yoked within the union. Successful relationships understand and practice the balance of giving and take. It is okay to want to spoil your spouse although it probably shouldn’t be the basis of the relationship. Resentment can dwell amongst each other as well as trust issues. One person may contemplate what they have to offer in the relationship and begin feeling inadequate. Or, an individual may think that the other person is only there for their stuff and not them. Set boundaries within the relationship to avoid feeling taken for granted or taken advantage of. Working with thousands of clients with the couples relationships issues, we have been a witness to an amazing fact: the partner, who didn`t give much in the relationships but was taking more, is feeling a huge burden from these relationships and is ready more to leave such partnership or family.
Anger is an emotion that has many origins. The one feeling this emotion doesn’t always know where it is coming from. The uncertainty itself can create even more confusion and anger. Anger can come from things not going the way you’d like. It can also come from unconscious triggers. Let’s say you were disregarded all of your childhood. In fact, you were told to be quiet whenever you wanted to express yourself. So, you bottled up a lot of emotions as a coping mechanism. In your adult relationship, you get into a very heated argument and the person yells at you to be quiet. This may trigger you to feel as you did when you were a child. That emotion of feeling small dismissed and invisible begins to surface. And, you explode. The other person might not realize how deep the issue runs or why you get so angry. You may not even be aware of this yourself. So, you react with anger and irrationality because you are feeling the trauma of your past. Seeing a professional counselor or receiving help from Alexander Rabinsun and Natalya Shklovskaya-Rabinsun can be beneficial in unraveling unchecked trauma that is hindering your growth and the health of your relationship.
Responding VS Reacting
We are passionate, loving beings who tend to succumb to some of our impulses. It is not advisable to be reactionary. Why even allow someone to provoke you? If a spouse reacts a lot, it doesn’t allow room for actual deliberation to proceed. Emotional maturity will call for patience in understanding each other. Jumping to conclusions is dangerous. And, people should steer clear of making assumptions as they desperately try to fill in the blanks. It is best to walk away momentarily from a discussion opposed to going back and forth, playing the blame game. When we give our response, it means that we take a objective moment of reflection and consider the other person’s perspective. People who react may find the most hurtful words to outdo the other. This childish bantering can distract from the real issues displayed in the connection. The many techniques of responders include taking a deep breath, counting down from ten to one, or simply walking away momentarily. Make sure to let the person know you will be in a better frame of mind to talk about things later before you walk off to be polite. You’ll be surprised how fast and smooth resolution comes when there is a short intermission.
Husband and wife came to us for a consultation back in 2014. They complained about regular fights and were considering divorce.
As we worked with them, we saw, that they have a feeling for one another, but don`t know the skill of proper communication. One of the homework, that we gave them was to never react on the spot. We told them to write down the issue, they feel angry about. Also, we requested each of them to chose a day and time once a week, that they can speak out everything they need. The wife has chosen Friday at 7 pm and the husband has chosen Tuesday at 5 pm.
He was obliged to listen to everything, she had to say on Friday, and only if she would allow, he could add some. And she was obliged to listen to everything, that he had to say on Tuesday.
When they started using this simple technique, the fights stopped! And they are happily married.
In order for someone to continue disrespecting us, we must first disrespect ourselves. So, ask yourself if you are receiving what you are allowing. Low self-esteem can make people compromise their integrity in order to please another person. In pursuit of doing this, we also lose ourselves and our value. By allowing disrespectful treatment and accepting less, we give the impression that it is okay. Some people will test you to see how much you will allow them to get away with. This is why emotional maturation is important. Engaging in a relationship where you are being disrespected will only increase low self-esteem and make it harder for you to see your worth. We may also find ourselves making excuses for people’s anger towards us. In some way, we may believe that we deserve it. If we truly want a healthy relationship, then we must stop protecting and defending a person’s bad behaviors. Simply saying no can put an end to someone’s emotional immaturity.
Know Your Worth
Don’t allow hate forwards and disrespect to become a norm and your relationship. The habit of accepting poor treatment well weigh on the relationship you have with yourself more. Each person should invest in their own emotional stability and psychological well-being before coming together. If not, you can inquire about your partner’s trauma. Life coaching serves as a good intervention and preventive measure.
“Your value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”
Have a standard of treatment and enforce that standard consistently. So, you and your partner will know what is to be expected out of the relationship. Building these healthy boundaries will save the relationship of much time wasted with arguments. Responding should be a boundary to have in the connection. Make it a rule to practice being more receptive to each other and less judgmental. You’ll be amazed at how much meaningful dialogue takes place and all the new things you learn about each other. Every habit becomes a habit through repetition. Therefore, it will take time to acclimate to these new changes. Nonetheless, it’s necessary to regain that balance back within your union.
“If the feelings are mutual, the effort will be equal.”
If the love is mutual for each other, then both people will be equally willing to set aside pride, traumas, and impulse to make the connection thrive. Instead of treating one’s spouse as the enemy, couples will become allies and great teammates, conspiring for the common goal of a healthy relationship.
Everyone has the right to have the relationship they desire. Realistically, we all have our internal battles. Some of us still struggle with the nightmares of our childhood or carry baggage from relationship to relationship. This is rather common actually. Unfortunately, some of us project these issues towards those who happen to be in our closest proximity. Many of them do not deserve the disrespect or blame. When looking at conflicts objectively, we can strengthen our discernment and move towards intellectual modesty. A union is much more than an individual’s pride. Moreso, it is about having honest communication and the will to become better people as a result.